Humor and Translation — Illogical Language

By Mark Herman

English speakers can park on a driveway and drive on a parkway. Many such linguistic illogicalities in English are included in Richard Lederer’s article “If-Then Illogic,” from which the following material is taken or adapted. It’s reprinted here with his permission.¹

• If a megaphone amplifies voices, what does a microphone do?
• If a firefighter fights fire, what does a freedom fighter fight?
• If olive oil comes from olives and corn oil from corn, where does baby oil come from?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
• If a weightlifter lifts weights, what does a shoplifter lift?
• If “fatty” means “full of fat,” what does “skinny” mean?
• If “extra-fine” means “finer” and “extra large” “larger,” what does “extraordinary” mean?
• If something valuable has value, what does something invaluable have?
• If ducks and deer are shot during duck and deer season, who gets shot during tourist season?
• If you get seasick on the sea and airsick in the air, where do you get homesick?
• If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry?
• If there are fingertips but no toe tips, why can you tiptoe but not tipfinger?
• If a cow does not produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
• If something is easy as pie, why is it also a piece of cake?
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
• If you jump off a bridge in Paris, are you in Seine?
• If a dentist marries a manicurist, do they fight tooth and nail?
• If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” is “congress” the opposite of “progress”?
• If “I am” is the shortest English sentence, why is “I do” one of the longest?
• If clergymen can be defrocked and lawyers disbarred, can alcoholics be delivered, hairdressers distressed, manicurists defiled, electricians delighted, cowboys deranged, models disposed, and songwriters decomposed?
• If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss, what does smoking marijuana cause?
• Where do you get off on a non-stop flight?
• How can a deaf person attend a court hearing?
• Can the wages of a sued parsley farmer be garnished?
• Why is there a “d” in “fridge” but none in “refrigerator”?
• Do you know where the Big Apple is? Do you know where the Minneapolis?
• Why are “tomb” and “womb” illogically pronounced “toom” and “woom,” while “bomb” is illogically not pronounced “boom”?
• After brushing our teeth we sat down in the beeth to eat.
• The geese were cooked but the meese didn’t fit in the oven.
• I rang the bell and flang the ball.
• I wrote a letter and bote my tongue.
• The teacher taught and the preacher praught.
• You can land in hot water by skating on thin ice.
• In order to be debunked, detested, and demoralized, you must have previously been bunked, tested, and moralized.

I wound up my watch to start it but will now wind up this column to end it.

Notes

1. Lederer, Richard. “If-Then Illogic,” Funny Times (February 2021), 11.

Submit items for future columns via e-mail to mnh18@columbia.edu. Discussions of the translation of humor and examples thereof are preferred, but humorous anecdotes about translators, translations, and mistranslations are also welcome. Include copyright information and permission if relevant.

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